Happy One Year Anniversary :)

Today is a special day. It's the one year anniversary of the place I love more than anything in the metaverse--The Savoy Jazz Club. The owner, Crighton Johin, also happens to be one of my bestest friends. It's the place where I've met some of the most amazing people in my life, and the place where I reconnect with my spirit and my soul, because it's where I do most of my singing these days. I guess you'd call me the....'resident songbird' of the Savoy :) You can find me there singing every Tuesday afternoon and Saturday night, and hell....an awful lot of time in between, soaking up Crighton's straight head jazz, or Gany's eclectic mix, or Iso's blues...All of it, wonderful. Along with the wonderful company :) Congratulations Crighton and the wonderful DJs and Hosts of the Savoy Jazz. What a year it's been....here's to another wonderful one ahead of us!

Notes from an Eeyore

I swear to god, I'm the world's worst blogger. I haven't actually BLOGGED in almost 3 months. But what a 3 months it's been, really. I spose the reason I feel like I can actually write is because I'm feeling a bit lighter lately, although not completely. I've always been an "Eeyore" instead of a "Tigger". A very "Oh Pooh...." kind of girl. Some people are the sun, and others are the moon. I am, and have always been, the latter. Which is okay, because certainly, it takes all kinds to make a world, right?

Well, anyhow, somehow the stresses of a poor economy and a commission based sales job, 3 children, 1 husband, an overbearing mother and an awful lot of....well....stuff....kinda caught up with me in the world's worst way, and I found myself spiraling further down, into a pretty severe depression. Now, who's to say I haven't been midly depressed for a long time? It's possible, certainly. To be honest, I think I've been on a slow decline since Kate was born, but I truly did bottom out right after the holidays this year. It's a scary feeling, not to know where you're going, or what you want, and just feeling like crawling into a ball and avoiding your RL is the easiest, safest thing to do, lest you begin to make decisions due to sadness or anger.

Depression puts a lot of stress on the people who love you, also. To tell your husband "I'm not happy", and to mean it, takes a lot of courage, and it also takes a crapload out of you, emotionally. But it's freeing also, and thusly, puts a lot on him. Lots of questions, lots of insecure feelings. None of them intentional, or pointed, necessarily, but still. Everyone begins to shoulder the load.

Anyhow, I knew the only answer was to be proactive. I sought out a therapist. I went to my doctor, and she prescribed me some meds. All of this is helping, although it's no miracle. And nothing really is, I guess. We're still working out just how much medication I need to be happy, how much therapy I need to stay open and communicative...and at home, we're still feeling our way around a different situation. My husband told me he always looked at me as 'The Rock' of the family...like nothing could ever bring me down, and like I could handle anything and everything. That's a lot of pressure. A lot. It's kind of nice to admit you're not that thing, and that you, just like everyone else, are only human, and as fragile as the rest.

SL has been hard lately too. It's odd that, when you seem to need the people you love the most, they disappear. And I don't mean they're present and ignoring me. They are simply gone, or mostly gone. My best friend from the very beginning here, Lyss, has had to take a lengthy hiatus for personal family reasons, and while it's totally understandable that she has to, I miss her something awful. Also, another important person in my SL, Duncan, has been gone also, quite a bit. I miss the laughter we'd share, and while I know he'll be back, it still makes my SL harder...darker...without him.

Anyways, it's just been a weird time. For everyone, I think. I can think about all my friends, and it seems like everyone I know is just....GOING THROUGH IT. I was talking to Kimala about this last night, and it's just kind of odd. How everyone I care about, and everyone I live with, in RL and SL, is dealing with very major emotional and life changing events. So while I continue to fight my own battle, I spose my wish for all of us is that we just keep muddling through...and come out clean on the other side. I love us all. And I just hope we all get what we want. Tiggers and Eeyores, alike.

Your Hands

Your Hands

When your hands go out,
love, toward mine,
what do they bring me flying?
Why did they stop
at my mouth, suddenly,
why do I recognize them
as if then, before,
I had touched them,
as if before they existed
they had passed over
my forehead, my waist?

Their softness came
flying over time,
over the sea, over the smoke,
over the spring,
and when you placed
your hands on my chest,
I recognized those golden
dove wings,
I recognized that clay
and that color of wheat.

the years of my life
I walked around looking for them.
I went up the stairs,
I crossed the roads,
trains carried me,
waters brought me,
and in the skin of the grapes
I thought I touched you.
The wood suddenly
brought me your touch,
the almond announced to me
your secret softness,
until your hands
closed on my chest
and there like two wings
they ended their journey.

Pablo Neruda
(1940)

The Best of Me

Second Life has been a bit of everything for me, really. And of course, like so many of us, I'm quietly addicted. But why? What am I here for? What keeps drawing me in, with such a busy RL, to spend hours whiling away the evening (or the day off) in front of my laptop? My husband and I argue about it constantly. He's always talking about 'my computer', and has truly developed a jealousy for the thing...Second Life, mainly. We've gone so many rounds about it that I really can't even detail it here, but last night, he said something that really hurt. And also rang true. Which, of course, is why it hurt.

To preface....am I ever going to leave him? I certainly have no plans to, and never because of Second Life. If anything ever happened to split us up, it certainly wouldn't be because I met someone on SL. The same could be said for RL. As ever, the finding of a new person or infidelity is always a symptom of a deeper issue, something that you didn't fix, which inevitably, pushes people over the edge and into someone else's arms. So when he tells me "I'm just worried you're going to find someone better, better suited to you...I don't know why you're with me anyways", I just laugh and tell him I love him. Over and over and over.

But the thing that hurt last night was when he said "I dunno. I just feel like SL gets the best of you. And I get all the rest." I uttered, "Gee, thanks", and rolled over in bed. Pouting, as usual. But ya know, he's right. As with so many of us....we put our best feet forward here...are our smartest, sexiest, less inhibited, fun loving selves. In RL, where we feel safe, or even sedentary, we show our warts.

And is that fair? Between the job, and the kids, and the endless housecleaning and homework doing...shouldn't we give a little more...of the BEST of us...to our RL? If not for our spouses, but for ourselves? My friend Trip keeps telling me...'Whatever you do. Just sing. Get your ass out there and sing. In RL." And he's right. SL is a great place to get back on your singing feet, I suppose, but I owe it to myself to put one of the best things in my life back into my RL.

And that's just one example.

I spend hours shopping, playing with my inventory, being the hottest pixel bitch I can be, while so often, on my days off, I throw on a hoodie and forgo the shower and basically run around looking like a strega. I sit in front of my laptop, laughing and smiling while talking to the people I care for here, but I frown and crab at my husband and kids. And occassionally, he's seen that. And that is the crux of the issue, I do believe.

I love them all more than anyone could ever know. As much as all of you love your family...your RL people. And it's true...I get things from my SL that, having made the choices I've made, I do not get from my RL. But maybe it's time to....appreciate the RL a bit more. Smile a little more. Be more like Nina. Who is really me...about 10 years ago. So...what am I saying? I guess I just...need to find that girl again. And give her back, at least every once in awhile, to the guy who fell in love with her. And also, give her back to myself. Because as much as I like being her in SL....I miss her something awful in my RL.

Stompin' at the Savoy...Ninny Live!

SLive Music. Howboutit?! Seriously, you figure, there's got to be more to SL than shopping, trivia and.....*shakes head*. Yeah. Anyhow....I've been so excited and blessed to start my SLive singing career! People have been so supportive and it makes me that much more sure that this is something I should be doing :) And I've wanted to for so long now....I guess 3 month hiatus' and a limited schedule sometimes makes things difficult, but you have to go for what you want sometimes :) And god, do I love to sing.

You kinda forget how much, after the years have passed and you're working this thankless schleppfest of a job and raising a toddler...just how much you loved the crowd. And the songs...my god. The songs. Wrapping your voice around something by Sir Duke or a swanky version of Summertime....now THAT'S better than sex. Well...*nod* Yes. It is. *laugh* I'm so jazzed to be doing this. Now I have an excuse to buy fancy dresses and get cute pictures taken :)

I've learned a few things, however. Get your damn lyrics sheets up BEFORE you start taking on a song you don't know 100%. Give people perms to your group so you're not trying to sing, add people, thank people for tips and type shout outs, all while trying to handle your animations (whew!). And lastly, and perhaps more importantly, do not drink an entire magnum of Savignon Blanc while you're singing. That makes for slurry stuff :)

Make sure you come check out the show...Tuesdays, 10AM SL Time...and also, random evenings TBA as we plod through this. And much love to Crighton...who puts up with me and let's me stomp all over his Savoy.

Bleeding Cubbie Blue....Again.

Being a Chicago Cubs fan is hard work. Hard, heartwrenching, awful emotional work. And we're down 2-0 with home field advantage...for some things, there simply aren't words. Except maybe, for these.


Yeah, don’t let them say that it’s just a game.
Well, I’ve seen other teams and it is never the same.
When you go to Chicago, you’re blessed and you’re healed
The first time you walk into Wrigley Field.

Heroes with pinstripes and heroes in blue,
Give us the chance to feel like heroes do.
Whether we’ll win and if we should lose,
we know someday we’ll go all the way.
Yeah, someday we’ll go all the way.

We are one with the Cubs,
with the Cubs we’re in love.
Hold our heads tall as the underdogs.
We are not fairweather, but foul weather fans.
Like brothers in arms, in the suites and the stands.

There’s magic in the Ivy and the old score board.
The same one I stared at as a kid keeping score.
In a world full of greed, we could never want more.
Someday we’ll go all the way.
Yeah, someday we’ll go all the way.

Here’s to the men and the legends we’ve known.
Giving us faith and giving us hope.
United we stand and united we’ll fall
down to our knees the day we win it all.

Yeah Ernie Banks said, “oh, let’s play two”.
I think he meant two hundred years.
Playing at Wrigley, our diamond, our jewel.
The home of our joy and our fears.
Keeping traditions, and wishes anew,
The place where our grandfathers’ fathers they grew.
The spiritual feeling if I ever knew.

And when the day comes for that last winning run,
and I’m crying and covered with beer.
I look to the sky and know I was right today.
Someday we’ll go all the way.
Yeah, someday we’ll go all the way.

--Eddie Vedder--

Tonight I can Write


Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing.
In the distance.My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

--Pablo Neruda--