Your Hands
When your hands go out,
love, toward mine,
what do they bring me flying?
Why did they stop
at my mouth, suddenly,
why do I recognize them
as if then, before,
I had touched them,
as if before they existed
they had passed over
my forehead, my waist?
Their softness came
flying over time,
over the sea, over the smoke,
over the spring,
and when you placed
your hands on my chest,
I recognized those golden
dove wings,
I recognized that clay
and that color of wheat.
the years of my life
I walked around looking for them.
I went up the stairs,
I crossed the roads,
trains carried me,
waters brought me,
and in the skin of the grapes
I thought I touched you.
The wood suddenly
brought me your touch,
the almond announced to me
your secret softness,
until your hands
closed on my chest
and there like two wings
they ended their journey.
Pablo Neruda
(1940)
Monday, December 29, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
The Best of Me
Second Life has been a bit of everything for me, really. And of course, like so many of us, I'm quietly addicted. But why? What am I here for? What keeps drawing me in, with such a busy RL, to spend hours whiling away the evening (or the day off) in front of my laptop? My husband and I argue about it constantly. He's always talking about 'my computer', and has truly developed a jealousy for the thing...Second Life, mainly. We've gone so many rounds about it that I really can't even detail it here, but last night, he said something that really hurt. And also rang true. Which, of course, is why it hurt.
To preface....am I ever going to leave him? I certainly have no plans to, and never because of Second Life. If anything ever happened to split us up, it certainly wouldn't be because I met someone on SL. The same could be said for RL. As ever, the finding of a new person or infidelity is always a symptom of a deeper issue, something that you didn't fix, which inevitably, pushes people over the edge and into someone else's arms. So when he tells me "I'm just worried you're going to find someone better, better suited to you...I don't know why you're with me anyways", I just laugh and tell him I love him. Over and over and over.
But the thing that hurt last night was when he said "I dunno. I just feel like SL gets the best of you. And I get all the rest." I uttered, "Gee, thanks", and rolled over in bed. Pouting, as usual. But ya know, he's right. As with so many of us....we put our best feet forward here...are our smartest, sexiest, less inhibited, fun loving selves. In RL, where we feel safe, or even sedentary, we show our warts.
And is that fair? Between the job, and the kids, and the endless housecleaning and homework doing...shouldn't we give a little more...of the BEST of us...to our RL? If not for our spouses, but for ourselves? My friend Trip keeps telling me...'Whatever you do. Just sing. Get your ass out there and sing. In RL." And he's right. SL is a great place to get back on your singing feet, I suppose, but I owe it to myself to put one of the best things in my life back into my RL.
And that's just one example.
I spend hours shopping, playing with my inventory, being the hottest pixel bitch I can be, while so often, on my days off, I throw on a hoodie and forgo the shower and basically run around looking like a strega. I sit in front of my laptop, laughing and smiling while talking to the people I care for here, but I frown and crab at my husband and kids. And occassionally, he's seen that. And that is the crux of the issue, I do believe.
I love them all more than anyone could ever know. As much as all of you love your family...your RL people. And it's true...I get things from my SL that, having made the choices I've made, I do not get from my RL. But maybe it's time to....appreciate the RL a bit more. Smile a little more. Be more like Nina. Who is really me...about 10 years ago. So...what am I saying? I guess I just...need to find that girl again. And give her back, at least every once in awhile, to the guy who fell in love with her. And also, give her back to myself. Because as much as I like being her in SL....I miss her something awful in my RL.
To preface....am I ever going to leave him? I certainly have no plans to, and never because of Second Life. If anything ever happened to split us up, it certainly wouldn't be because I met someone on SL. The same could be said for RL. As ever, the finding of a new person or infidelity is always a symptom of a deeper issue, something that you didn't fix, which inevitably, pushes people over the edge and into someone else's arms. So when he tells me "I'm just worried you're going to find someone better, better suited to you...I don't know why you're with me anyways", I just laugh and tell him I love him. Over and over and over.
But the thing that hurt last night was when he said "I dunno. I just feel like SL gets the best of you. And I get all the rest." I uttered, "Gee, thanks", and rolled over in bed. Pouting, as usual. But ya know, he's right. As with so many of us....we put our best feet forward here...are our smartest, sexiest, less inhibited, fun loving selves. In RL, where we feel safe, or even sedentary, we show our warts.
And is that fair? Between the job, and the kids, and the endless housecleaning and homework doing...shouldn't we give a little more...of the BEST of us...to our RL? If not for our spouses, but for ourselves? My friend Trip keeps telling me...'Whatever you do. Just sing. Get your ass out there and sing. In RL." And he's right. SL is a great place to get back on your singing feet, I suppose, but I owe it to myself to put one of the best things in my life back into my RL.
And that's just one example.
I spend hours shopping, playing with my inventory, being the hottest pixel bitch I can be, while so often, on my days off, I throw on a hoodie and forgo the shower and basically run around looking like a strega. I sit in front of my laptop, laughing and smiling while talking to the people I care for here, but I frown and crab at my husband and kids. And occassionally, he's seen that. And that is the crux of the issue, I do believe.
I love them all more than anyone could ever know. As much as all of you love your family...your RL people. And it's true...I get things from my SL that, having made the choices I've made, I do not get from my RL. But maybe it's time to....appreciate the RL a bit more. Smile a little more. Be more like Nina. Who is really me...about 10 years ago. So...what am I saying? I guess I just...need to find that girl again. And give her back, at least every once in awhile, to the guy who fell in love with her. And also, give her back to myself. Because as much as I like being her in SL....I miss her something awful in my RL.
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