Friday, February 15, 2008

My Katie's Birthday!

Today is a rather big day in our family. My daughter, Kate, is celebrating her first birthday. And I can only look at her in amazement, listening to her cluck and gobble as she throws my car keys around the living room, and think..."I made that?!" I don't know what I did right...I'm certain I was owed some karmic gift, because she is the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me. The happiest, easiest, silliest angel baby in the world. Now tell me you've never heard that before, right? I know, I know, all us momma's are biased....

She's so incredibly funny...the true ham of the family, thus far...screaming and laughing and making funny faces at everyone, for everyone. She loves to get a reaction out of all of us...especially her half-sibs, who, upon returning from a weekend at their mother's house, she screams out loud in delight upon seeing. Watching her joy at the mere sight of them makes me happy they are here, happier that I "inherited" two children when I married their father.

She's beautiful, the perfect mix of her father and I....(well, she looks more like me :p), but she has these green eyes that she somehow got lucky enough to have, funny brown hair that can't decide if it wants to be straight or curly-ish...and the prettiest little bow shaped mouth...and like I said, the idea that we made her still blows my mind every time I look at her.

Anyhow, this girl has a lot of work to do today. Her party is tonight. I really can't wait. And maybe, just maybe, I should get my butt off this computer and play with her....before she sets off my car's panic button on my keyring.

Happy Birthday, Kate. To say I love you is the greatest understatement. To quote Brad Paisley...

"To the world, you may be just another girl..but to me, baby, you are the world."

Monday, February 4, 2008

I do not love you....

Not too long after I graduated college, I met a man. And while I'd crushed, dated, etc., and often...I'd never been adored the way he seemed to adore me. I thought I felt the same...however, hindsight always being so clear, I now know I simply loved the ridiculous, romantic way he loved me. He used to buy me single roses, bacci chocolates, and the piece de resistance...volumes of poetry by Pablo Neruda. And long after all the other things have faded, the Neruda has stayed with me...and now, I truly understand it. Because love, of course, is not about bacci chocolate and is about those other places, 'between the shadow and the soul' that Neruda so eloquently paints. I know those places. I live in those places. I love those places.

XVII (I do not love you...)
by Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:

where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Back to the Beginning.....

I promised myself, when I had my daughter last February, that I would begin the process of reclaiming my spirit, however that might happen, and however long it might take me. I took a long look at how quickly life moves, how much we sacrifice sometimes for the greater good, and in doing so, sometimes lose essential parts of ourselves in the process. I knew it was important that I find myself again, for my own good, and for the good of the woman who had been entrusted to me.

Ten years ago, I was a girl who once told fellow voice majors of mine "do you want to be some body, or do you want to be SOMEBODY?" I had a sparkle, a love of the spotlight, an all consuming passion and devotion to my music and to the theater. I was never NOT performing. I wanted to move directly to NYC after college graduation, get my first show, and, the rest of course, would be musical theater history. My name in lights forever, right next to Lupone and Merman.

Alas, life never works out the way we want it to, seemingly never enough money to fuel these dreams we dream up, we start to make excuses for why we can't do things, and then, one day, you wake up married, with 2 stepkids and an infant daughter, working in retail and realizing that you haven't sung in more than 2 years. And, to be honest, it wasn't just the music that had escaped, very simply, had become mundane. Everything I used to enjoy was either nonpresent or no longer exciting.

In any case, I'm so proud to have begun the process of getting back to me. I am singing again, having rejoined a professional chorus in Chicago that I sang with back in 2000-2001, and, on a personal level, I've started to find passion in myself again...and SL has been a huge contributor to that reawakening. It's amazing to me, really...something I initially only looked into as a curiosity has had such an effect on my RL well-being. It's made me happier, restored my joy, perked up my libido...truly, given me an outlet and friendships I never dreamed it could.

An unexpected gift, and a wonderful tool in helping me be a better me :)