I swear to god, I'm the world's worst blogger. I haven't actually BLOGGED in almost 3 months. But what a 3 months it's been, really. I spose the reason I feel like I can actually write is because I'm feeling a bit lighter lately, although not completely. I've always been an "Eeyore" instead of a "Tigger". A very "Oh Pooh...." kind of girl. Some people are the sun, and others are the moon. I am, and have always been, the latter. Which is okay, because certainly, it takes all kinds to make a world, right?
Well, anyhow, somehow the stresses of a poor economy and a commission based sales job, 3 children, 1 husband, an overbearing mother and an awful lot of....well....stuff....kinda caught up with me in the world's worst way, and I found myself spiraling further down, into a pretty severe depression. Now, who's to say I haven't been midly depressed for a long time? It's possible, certainly. To be honest, I think I've been on a slow decline since Kate was born, but I truly did bottom out right after the holidays this year. It's a scary feeling, not to know where you're going, or what you want, and just feeling like crawling into a ball and avoiding your RL is the easiest, safest thing to do, lest you begin to make decisions due to sadness or anger.
Depression puts a lot of stress on the people who love you, also. To tell your husband "I'm not happy", and to mean it, takes a lot of courage, and it also takes a crapload out of you, emotionally. But it's freeing also, and thusly, puts a lot on him. Lots of questions, lots of insecure feelings. None of them intentional, or pointed, necessarily, but still. Everyone begins to shoulder the load.
Anyhow, I knew the only answer was to be proactive. I sought out a therapist. I went to my doctor, and she prescribed me some meds. All of this is helping, although it's no miracle. And nothing really is, I guess. We're still working out just how much medication I need to be happy, how much therapy I need to stay open and communicative...and at home, we're still feeling our way around a different situation. My husband told me he always looked at me as 'The Rock' of the family...like nothing could ever bring me down, and like I could handle anything and everything. That's a lot of pressure. A lot. It's kind of nice to admit you're not that thing, and that you, just like everyone else, are only human, and as fragile as the rest.
SL has been hard lately too. It's odd that, when you seem to need the people you love the most, they disappear. And I don't mean they're present and ignoring me. They are simply gone, or mostly gone. My best friend from the very beginning here, Lyss, has had to take a lengthy hiatus for personal family reasons, and while it's totally understandable that she has to, I miss her something awful. Also, another important person in my SL, Duncan, has been gone also, quite a bit. I miss the laughter we'd share, and while I know he'll be back, it still makes my SL harder...darker...without him.
Anyways, it's just been a weird time. For everyone, I think. I can think about all my friends, and it seems like everyone I know is just....GOING THROUGH IT. I was talking to Kimala about this last night, and it's just kind of odd. How everyone I care about, and everyone I live with, in RL and SL, is dealing with very major emotional and life changing events. So while I continue to fight my own battle, I spose my wish for all of us is that we just keep muddling through...and come out clean on the other side. I love us all. And I just hope we all get what we want. Tiggers and Eeyores, alike.